Why Abed Nadir is the Best Character with Asperger's Syndrome

So to get me through lockdown (or whatever the heck Boris Johnson made this), I decided to watch Community because it was highly recommended from a good friend of mine and I heard that one of the characters was similar to me. Well, I'm one season in and it's already one of my new favourite shows. The show details the weird and wacky adventures of a study group at Greendale Community College. Not only is it hilarious but it continually thinks outside the box when it comes to situational comedy. I highly recommend it to anyone and the entire show is on Netflix. I look forward to the inevitable movie whenever that gets officially announced.

But to me, the biggest draw for this show is the character of Abed Nadir. Remember one paragraph ago when I said there was a character that was just like me, that's him. Like me, he is clearly on the Spectrum and also like me, he is fascinated and downright obsessed with films and TV shows, to the point where he references them constantly. Plus his favourite TV show is about a British time traveller (they can't legally use Doctor Who). He can also be blunt, have difficulty communicating with people but tends to be very sweet.

So besides the fact that he's my spiritual twin, why do I think he's the best autistic character? For starters, he's hilarious. In keeping with the show's creative humour, he is so into TV shows that he constantly compares life to a TV show. Thus he seems to be aware that he's in a TV show which leads to a lot of great moments such as how he releases his web show about his friends antics before they actually happen one week later. That combined Danny Pudi's excellent comedic timing and wide variety of expressions makes Abed one of the funniest characters in sitcom history. Up there with Captain Holt from Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Arnold Rimmer from Red Dwarf.

But it was the seventeenth episode of Season 1, 'Physical Education', that really sold to me why Abed a fantastic representation of people on the Spectrum. In the episode, the group discovers that somebody drew a flattering picture of Abed in a study book, leading them to deduce that somebody likes him. Though Abed doesn't seem fussed, the rest of the group (minus protagonist Jeff Winger, who has his own plot within the episode and is respectful of Abed's decision) is eager to set him up on a date. After him being himself results in him acting like a vampire, the group encourages him to act like someone else, much to Jeff's annoyance. After a few false starts (including a surprisingly good impression of Don Draper from Mad Men), they decide that he's ready to ask her out. In a plot twist, it turns out that not only does she have a boyfriend, said boyfriend looks like Abed but white. The group are devastated for Abed but he turns out to be fine with it. And it's at this moment where Abed became someone to aspire to be:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlkuxEN8Z0M

After that, the group learns to mind their own business and like he predicted, someone approaches him at the end of the episode.

You see there is one key difference between me and Abed... okay several: I'm white, I'm a Christian instead of a Muslim and I have had difficulties with my father instead of my mother but aside from all that, the biggest difference between Abed and I is self-esteem. Abed is very much happy with who he is and he is practically bulletproof as he isn't offended that the group (minus Jeff) believes him to be incapable of finding someone on his own merits (which he had every right to be because that is rather insulting). If anything, he allows it so he can connect with his friends. I am not like that. I don't have much faith in own abilities outside of the creative industry, I don't believe I'm good dating material (though like Abed, I do prefer to let women approach me because I'm too clueless and/or nervous to approach them) and I worry constantly what other people think about me.

Abed doesn't seem to care about that. While he does have issues which he struggles to communicate and he is capable of being angry or upset, he doesn't let all that affect his overall confidence. And last night, after watching that episode, I realised that a lack of confidence and low self-esteem was what held me back. For example, when I am comfortable around people, I tend to act more confidently and it's usually then where I am able to connect with people.

But there are things I have no confidence for whatsoever. With the exception of walking, I am very uncomfortable with physical activities due to a (possibly perceived, possibly real) lack of coordination, balance, posture and strength, and when I fail, it gets to my head and I stress out i.e. getting questions wrong or not being able to get what I'm supposed to do. Heck until I grew my beard, I thought I wasn't much to look at either. Just a weird, balding, alien-looking man with a giant forehead. All this possibly stems from an emotionally abusive former stepdad and my peers at secondary school constantly mocking me (especially during P.E.). And my dating site experiences have been so bad that I'm no longer able to use them without feeling rubbish.

But seeing Abed face similar opposition and taking it in his stride basically taught me to try and get out of my shell. Obviously, I can't fix that immediately and lockdown prevents me from experimenting with this newfound social clarity with ease but for the first time since lockdown started, I was actually hopeful and happy. Abed is someone I can aspire to be as he is very much the best version of myself. Someone who's just as socially inept and passionate about fictional media as I am but owns it and tries to be better as a result. If Abed can take his difficult existence in his stride then so can I.

I'll see how long this epiphany lasts and I will update you on this but until then, fare thee well good people of the internet.

If I ever returned to the world of dating apps, I am so using this gif as an opener.

My Time During Lockdown (April 2020)

So after that April Fools' gag, I decided to write down my ACTUAL experiences during lockdown just to give you some insight into what it's like for someone like me to go through it.

So how am I coping? Not great which is weird considering that I've practically trained for this. For those of you who don't know, I wasn't exactly the most social person growing up, preferring to stay in my room first to play with toys and later with technology. I basically lived the lockdown life before it was cool. However that all changed in 2015 where I actually started to have a social life. I went to different house parties (including some at a barn) and I started to regularly hang out with my school friends. This got exacerbated at university where I joined different social clubs and societies whilst also befriending my housemates. On top of that, I gained a new appreciation for the outside when I started walking to uni (which is usually about 45 minutes away) and I got so used to it that long walks are now a habit to me. This continued even after uni where I two theatre groups and mapped out a walk across my home town.

True I had days where I stayed in my room but so long as I had that balance of staying in and socialising, I was okay. I am an ambivert by nature meaning that I want to be social and active, just not all the time. Then COVID-19 and lockdown happened and suddenly I was forced to be an introvert again. Now I have prepared for this by getting Disney+ as well as engaging in writing activities such as this here blog and staying in contact with my friends and family through the likes of Zoom and Facebook Video Messaging. My mum is also an expert in isolation and she organised things like a Friends themed birthday party for my sister's birthday and quiz nights including two games of trivial pursuit with my extended family (via Zoom). But then the troubles started

Basically, April was the month where technology failed me across the board. Firstly, after downloading Norton Anti-Virus in the vain hope it would protect my laptop, it instead killed it. I spent weeks trying to fix it before giving up and handing it over to my stepdad who fixed it within 24 hours. My laptop is fine now but its charger is not since an exposed wire is preventing it from charging properly. It was the same problem with both my phone chargers as well as a dusty port. Thankfully, I was able to sort out my phone and I now have a new phone charger. My mouse also had an exposed wire but I was quickly able to replace it. My laptop one is on its way but it won't be here until May.

All this plus the extended isolation definitely took a toll on my mental health. I felt trapped within my own home and I missed my friends terribly. I also hated that my life was put on hold after it just got started again at the start of March. Not only can't I return to work as the garden centre I work at is closed but I can't meet new people which has stunted both my social and dating life (and no I'm not going back to dating sites... I really don't do well on them at all and interactions with some questionable people have left me feeling icky). It made me feel incredibly anxious with some tears that followed. The fact that it's going to rain soon won't help because that will truly keep me confined in my own home (though it might stop some idiots from breaking social distancing).

Still, I'm trying to make do with it. My sleep schedule is ironically a lot better as I've started waking up at 9 and watching movies on my phone in bed to help me sleep before midnight. Disney+ has allowed me to watch some of my favourite franchises (I'm redoing Marvel this month) and this Friday, I'm organising a Doctor Who quiz night with some of my Leicester theatre friends. I still maintain my faith despite not going to church through prayer and listening to worship music which in turn helps maintain my sanity.

But yeah it's not going well for me and from what I can tell, I'm definitely not alone in this as my friends and some celebrities I follow on Twitter share the same sentiment. If you, like me, want to stop the spread of COVID-19, please stay indoors and 2m/6ft apart from everyone you're not currently living with. It really helps to save lives and give the people in the NHS a break. And maybe one day, we can go about our lives as normal. Until then, fare thee well good people of the internet!

Meme of the Day: 

How I'm Staying Sane During the Lockdown (April Fools' Edition)

Mr Flibble's very cross...

So as you have probably heard, the UK is under lockdown due to the COVID-19 pandemic. As awful as it is, I'm glad the government got their head straight (even if it took them too long to do it). As I'm not an essential worker, I am once again out of work so as you can tell, I get a little bored. It's not all bad, I got Disney+ (sacrificing my Prime subscription in the process) and I've been enjoying the Star Wars content on there (including the sublime The Mandalorian).

The biggest challenge for me was to stay sane and avoid cabin fever. Luckily I think I achieved it when last Friday, I went on an incredible adventure. It all started when a stray cat entered the kitchen. He was a little different than normal cats. For starters, he was magic which would explain why he was humanoid and could sing. He said he had three different names but told me to call him Mr Mistoffeles. He was rather large for a cat and looked like something out of my nightmares but I rolled with it since the song he sang about himself was incredibly catchy.

He explained to me that his tribe of Jellicle cats (no he didn't explain what a Jellicle cat was) was in terrible danger: the king of the potato people was attacking their tribe and have kidnapped their leader Old Deuteronomy. He wanted my help because my cat Sylvia gave me a glowing recommendation. I told him I couldn't because I was under lockdown due to COVID-19 but he told me that he could create a temporary magical forcefield around me so I wouldn't spread it.

Eventually I agreed and we teleported to our start point on the Red Brick Road. I had wondered where that road led to in The Wizard of Oz and apparently it led to the Potato Kingdom. Along the way, we encountered some oddities. Firstly we encountered Shrek, yes THAT Shrek, who gave us some pointers and told us to get out of our swamp. He was very rude. Don't ever meet your heroes kids.

We then encountered the Ents led by Groot who tried to help us but I couldn't understand him. Fortunately, Mr Mistoffeles could and he said that MacAvity, the Mystery Cat, was behind the kidnapping and is raising the Potato Army against the Jellicle Cats so that he would win the Jellicle choice (something about reincarnation, it was very odd) by default. I don't know how he got all that from 'I am Groot' but apparently that was what he said.

Finally we encountered Glinda, the Witch of the North. It turns out manipulating an innocent girl into assassinating one of her sisters and ousting the ruler of Oz has caused her to revoke her status as 'Good Witch' and is now evil. Luckily we were saved by the aforementioned Mandalorian and Baby Yoda, who were on a quest of their own. I didn't inquired any further about this as I was too starstruck by Baby Yoda's cuteness so we pressed on.

We soon got to the Potato Kingdom where MacAvity was waiting. As he engaged in a magical duel with Mr Mistoffeles (which mostly consisted on them waving their hands about and saying silly things with no effect), I powered through the Potato Army by eating the roast, fried and boiled regiments. However, the baked regiment proved too much for me until I hit them with grated cheese. This weakened them and I finally got through to Old Deuteronomy. She was an old cat who weirdly resembled Dame Judy Dench but before I had time to explain, MacAvity broke through. I just hissed at him and he scarpered. It seems to work on all cats so I thought it would work on him which it did. Mr Mistoffeles joined us and Old Deuteronomy named me the Jellicle choice. I told her I wasn't a cat and thus was unqualified but suggested that Mr Mistoffeles could be picked. She agreed and sang a 5-minute song about how a cat wasn't a dog.

It was at that point where I left by tapping my shoes three times and saying 'there's no place like home.' I realised nobody would believe me about my adventure so I decided to write this on April Fools Day where people would get away with posting anything,

Happy April Fools' Day everyone! Stay safe, stay indoors and stay sane! I know I did! Until then, fare thee well good people of the internet!

Meme of the Day:

Birthday, New Job and That Virus Everybody Keeps Talking About

Am I doing this social distancing thing right?

Can 2020 stop kicking us in the privates, please? This is a weird one because March 2020 would have been a pretty good month for me if it weren't for the elephant in the room that is COVID19. I had my 22nd birthday. It was a nice and quiet affair, to the point where I had a job interview that day (more on that later) but I'm 22, the time for big birthdays is over until I'm 30. I don't mind since I got to go out for a Chinese all-you-can-eat with my family and friends. The interview did put a damper on things until that very day, I was asked to go to a trial shift. After months of job-searching, I finally have something! I wanted a job more than anything so if you ask me, that's a great birthday present! The job itself is a kitchen porter at a lovely garden centre recommended by a friend of mine (who also works there). It's exhausting but it runs like a tight ship and everyone is both efficient and lovely so that's nice.

What isn't nice is this whole COVID19 business. I'm not going to lie, at first I didn't take it seriously. We've had worse illnesses than this and the mortality rate is low. However, as time went on, I began to understand the severity of the situation. It spreads fast, there's no cure or vaccine as of yet and both my parents are high-risk. Then the restrictions began. Most upcoming movies and TV shows have been delayed and the Comic-Con I was supposed to go to was postponed as were the shows I was going to be in (which is a shame since I recently got cast as the Pharoah in my drama club's production of Joseph and His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat). More recently, pubs, restaurants and cafes have shut down. Luckily I'm not out of a job but it's all very uncertain. I know all sporting events have been cancelled as well but I don't care about them.

Now I can easily make the best of this. I stay in my room a lot, I have a lot of entertainment platforms such as books, DVDs and Netflix and I have enough social media to stay in contact with everyone. Plus, because of my freakishly strong immune system, COVID19 may not affect me as badly. My mum is also an expert in isolation due to her 101 conditions so she knows how to keep us entertained. For example, for her birthday, she decided to have a Christmas themed dinner complete with turkey rolls, Christmas songs and charades.

But I still worry. The Karens have stripped supermarkets clean of products so we're struggling to get food and I'm worried that when lockdown inevitably happens to us, we'll probably end up like The Shining but we'll make the best of it until this all blows over. This hasn't been helpful for my anxiety since I have no idea what I'm allowed to do now but I'll keep going.

Just hang in there everyone. This has been a terrible year for all of us and we're only 1/4 of a way through but we can do this. I'll let you know how I do when things get worse. Until then, fare thee well good people of the internet.

Meme of the Day:

Dealing with Pantos and Anxiety

Yay! I got to be a baddie!!!

So this was a bizarre couple of weeks. My stepdad is finally home and even though he has a Lego hand, he's on the road to recovery which is some good news. We're not quite out of the woods yet because Lego hand but it's an improvement!

Now onto the main event: over the past two weeks, I got to perform in MMAD's production of Camelot - The Panto. For the first time in 2020, I was really happy. Not only did I have tons of fun doing this but I was also having fun with MMAD themselves when they went out partying. I am so glad to have done this. Not only did I reconnect with my old friends but I made new friends with the newer members. I can't wait to do Joseph and His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat with them! But first I must do Shrek and my first rehearsal in a while is tonight. 

Unfortunately during that time, I was ill for three days with a bug and I ended up with panic attacks. This led me to realise that I do indeed have anxiety. For those who don't know, anxiety is a crippling sensation where certain events causes someone to panic, stress out and shut down. For me, I was worried about my job searching, my past mistakes in the dating scene (which I have since made peace with) and struggling to get to know new people in the drama group producing Shrek. It got so bad that I lost sleep over it. But I soon realised it was deeper than that and I recognised that all of my latest worries in my work, social and even love life boiled down to one sentiment: I didn't think I was good enough for anyone else.

Because I recognised this, I informed my parents as soon as possible. It turns out I did the right thing in both recognising what was wrong with me and telling people about it and the fact that I'm trying to grow as a person is indicative of the possibility that maybe I am good enough. But it wasn't until mum reminded me of my own backstory that I realised how much I really accomplished. 

Because I was diagnosed really young with both autism and hypotonia (weak muscle tone), doctors thought I would be unable to walk and talk and I would be forever trapped in my own head. Since then, I managed to walk and talk and I ended up being pretty good at both, I got so far in my education I graduated from uni, I made a ton of friends, I'm still job searching and like I said, I even performed a principal role in a pantomime. Obviously, I didn't achieve all of this on my own since my family and friends helped a ton in teaching me morality, empathy, banter and other social skills but  I'm still a miracle. So as long as I tell myself that, I should be able to beat this thing. And for those of you out there who are struggling to raise an autistic child, keep going because there's always a chance they'll turn out brilliant. 

Anyway, I better stop bragging. I doubt my days of stress and anxiety are over but I'll keep going nonetheless since tomorrow is another day. In other news, I am continually enjoying Doctor Who and am currently waiting impatiently for the season finale, my film reviews are still lagging behind but I'm seeing Birds of Prey with a new friend this Saturday so that should be nice, I actually endured Valentine's Day without much annoyance this year (turns out I didn't need a girlfriend, I needed cookies, Scott Pilgrim, Jacksfilms, Panto and Valentines TV specials) and I have a dentist appointment tomorrow which should be fun...

I'll keep you updated with how I'll cope with everything but until then, fare thee well good people of the internet!

Meme of the Day: 

My (Stressful) Time as Man of the House

You and me both buddy...

Woah boy... I didn't realise the gap between blog posts was this big. I do apologise but in my defence, I've been very busy. For starters, this Friday is my first night of panto and I have to say, it's going well and I finally know all my lines/cues! Huzzah! And because it's on Friday, I'm actually doing something on Valentine's Day this year. For those who don't know me, I'm not a fan of the holiday... mostly because I've never had a date for Valentine's Day but I seem to be in the majority as even couples I know think its pointless. I swear it's only appealing to married couples. My birthday and Easter Sunday can't get here soon enough...

As for Shrek, I've had a read through but since I only had three lines, it was slow for me. Hopefully, the true potential of Thelonius will be revealed in rehearsals. And as for my cinema trips, I actually didn't see anything last week because there's nothing on. Fortunately, Birds of Prey is out this week so I'm giving that a go.

But honestly, that's not the only reason I've been busy which leads me to the main point of the article. A few weeks back, my stepdad was scratched by one of our dogs. It got infected and now he has sepsis. He only just got out of the hospital but he's not out of the woods since he needs a skin graft. During his time in the hospital, I basically took on the role of man of the house, keeping the house in order, looking after the dogs and cooking most nights. I like to believe I did a good job but I'm not going to lie, it took a toll on my mental health.

Not only was I worried about my stepdad but I had so much to do because I was looking after the house on top of job hunting (which is still going badly despite a possible lead at a local cinema), chasing up on universal credit, panto and Shrek rehearsals and volunteering at the charity shop. After a while, I just couldn't stand the confusion in my mind. Towards the end, I've been trying to keep myself sane through our Lord God but I haven't been too mindful until today, where my stepdad finally came home.

I would like to thank everyone who helped my family during this time by sending us food and emotional support. I'm sure my mum and sister is more than grateful as well.

As for where I'm going next, I'm focusing on panto since it's very close to happening and I'm certain that nerves will set in but I'm also certain that I will have fun! I've also got Shrek to look forward to though I need to start making friends in that group since I'm too much of a wallflower to properly get on that.

Because of panto, it may take a while for me to post another one of these so please bear with me. Until then, fare thee well good people of the internet!

Meme of the Day: 

Thelonious, Churches and Technical Stuff

So erm... yeah sorry for the inactivity but I have been so busy as of late that I cannot stand the confusion in my mind! So what have I been up to? Well, not YouTube for starters. I still have no idea what I want to do. I tried writing a more humourous version of my 1917 review but it felt forced and unnatural. Maybe I should play it straight.

So what did I do instead? A lot of theatre stuff strangely enough. The most notable thing I did was lighting and sound for a local production of Harold Pinter's The Caretaker... well for a while anyway, I'll get to why later but for now, what I did do I managed to do well. Yes, The Caretaker isn't the most complex play to do lighting and sound for but I managed to pick up on it very easily and remained focused which is a huge victory for me as I usually have the attention span of a mayfly.

In terms of Shrek updates, I got in! I ended up with the part of Thelonius aka Lord Farquaad's masked henchman who is apparently the funniest role in the show. I'm happy about this since I never want the biggest role in theatre, just the funniest. Panto's still going well. We managed to do our first dress rehearsal and I was happy to see that I had a cape (even if it kept snagging in the doorways)! It's not long before I start now and I'll definitely be in for a busy February. I'm glad to see that I have something to do on Valentine's Day this year!

I also finally managed to join a church in my home town! It's called Queensway Chapel and whilst it isn't as lively as Chroma in Leicester, it's certainly a good one with a strong holy atmosphere. This combined with Shrek, panto and my technical work means that I'm finally able to have an active social life, at least when it comes to hobbies.

However, things are a bit tricky for me right now. My stepdad was scratched by the dogs and it got really badly infected and he's still hospitalised to this day. I basically had to step up as both man of the house and dogsitter which I'm happy to do but it just keeps me busy. It's because of this that I was left unable to do the technical stuff for The Caretaker this week (aka their show week) because he was also helping and was my lift there and back. Fortunately, they knew about this and was okay with it and I was still able to attend my first Shrek rehearsal thanks to a friend of ours.

Film reviews are still going strong as my review of Jojo Rabbit is now online. I personally found it to be an uplifting reminder that fascism will ultimately fail so long as there is love in the world, even if I didn't find it that funny. Job hunting is pretty much the same except that I have an interview at a local cinema tonight. I will let you know how it goes on the next blog.

So yeah, stressful and busy times but I'm glad it's busy. 2020 may not be a good year in general so far but it seems to be a good year for me at least. Now if only I figured out a way to calm down!

Anyway, I'll try and push the next one out earlier but until then, fare thee well good people of the internet.

Meme of the Day:

Helping Out, 1917 and Re-evaluating my Life

I want to go home and rethink my life

So this week for me hasn't been as busy as last week (hence the lack of content) but emotionally, this has been a funny one. Basically, I'm a recent graduate and like all recent graduates, my life has never been more certain. I'm still unable to get a stable job and even the job I'm currently in hasn't called me in for weeks. My job coach, bless her, has been ever so helpful but it hasn't been easy. My social life has taken a bit of a nosedive. Besides my drama club, I haven't really had much luck with my social life and my love life is even worse (more on that later). I also had no idea what to do with my life. I knew I wanted to work in film or television and in writing but the only things I genuinely enjoyed writing were my reviews and these.

It was on Thursday when one of my best friends said they were performing stand-up yet again when I realised that I hated where I was and that I needed to get something done. So I finally decided to buckle up and do something. That night, I downloaded Windows Movie Maker (the editing software) and ordered a cheap recording microphone off Amazon. Basically, I've decided to see if I can start a YouTube channel. Quite what I want it to be about is anyone's guess at the moment but I am giving it a think. I know I want it to be comedic and I know I want it to be Doctor Who related.

After that epiphany, I went to see 1917, in keeping with my vow to watch a new movie every week. My full review is here but suffice it say, it was very harrowing and intense and whilst I thought it was very good, I never want to see it again. On the same day, I set up a Doctor Who review page called Hermit's United, on which I reviewed the series 12 premiere 'Spyfall' which is a long time coming. It was difficult navigating through a new format but I managed to complete it.

I've also been helping out with backstage work with two different theatre groups. Not only did I attempt to help out with scene-building at my drama club (of which I ended up doing very little because I'm not the best at DIY) but I'm also helping out at my mum's theatre group with my stepdad in terms of set painting and lighting. It was exciting to learn about the latter, even if our supervisor did overexplain it.

But perhaps the biggest re-evaluation was with my love life. I got OKCupid which, in theory, was a really good dating app. It gives you matches based on compatability as well as age and distance and I think Tinder could stand to learn from them in that department. It was also free which was handy. The trouble is, nobody was on it and once again, I felt icky. This happened a lot whenever I got a dating app as I felt like it was hurting my self-esteem since nobody matched with me. But it was when I was watching Sex Education season 2 when it finally hit me: not only am I awful at the dating scene but it was causing some serious emotional harm to me.

The reason this was is because when I watched how open the show was about sex, I was actually kind of disgusted. It was then I realised that I am very prudish. I do feel sexual desire and I was often frustrated about it but I hated feeling it and whenever I met someone new that I liked, I never felt happy and I sometimes felt embarrassed, especially when it transpires that they're already taken. After a while, I felt like a creep and for what? To experience something I'm way too shy and innocent to enjoy? And the worst part is, I highly doubt I was the only person I hurt. I've had women ghost or worse block me without explanation and I'm worried that my attitude or behaviour put them off. To those women, I am so sorry. I really am. It's hard to convey it through text but I never meant to hurt you.

The only women I met and I was actually happy with are either taken, kindly rejected me or both. Don't get me wrong, they're fair reasons and I'm still close friends with them (happily I might add) but it made me realise that I never found the right person and it was unlikely I wouldn't meet them for a while. But also, I'm not ready for one. I'm unemployed, I still live with my family, my social life is scarce, I don't know what to do with my life, I have poor social skills and I have low self-esteem, ironically because of this. I do hope I am a good man and I at least try to be but this is not healthy and it needs to stop.

I suppose what I'm getting at is that effective immediately, I am staying single indefinitely. Chasing a relationship is not healthy for me and if Sex Education is anything to go by, I'm not missing much. I'm sure this will change when I meet someone I truly love and who loves me back and luckily, I'm emotionally mature enough to tell the difference between love and lust but it's time to improve my self-image, my confidence and my etiquette around women (which I'm sure is better than some groups of men but still needs improvement).

So I'm aware that it got way too real but it's for the best. I genuinely want to be happy with my life again and I know there are plenty of other ways of achieving it. I'm thinking about trying out a church tomorrow which will get me back on track (don't worry, I never lost my faith, I just need guidance) and on Monday, I'm joining a walking group since walking calms me down. I want to improve my social life as well as my working life and a nice balance between the two can help me greatly. Maybe one day I can convince myself I'm someone worth being with.

Still, next week should be good. I'm auditioning for secondary roles in Shrek: The Musical (after failing to get the role of Donkey) and though I didn't get into the BBC TV thing, I will continue to apply for jobs there at every opportunity possible.

Until the next time, fare thee well good people of the internet.

Meme of the day:

The BBC, Shrek and Cats (03/01/2020-09/01/2020)

This was the only Shrek meme I could find that wasn't awful...

So 2020 has been a crazy year already and I'm only one week in! Besides the worldwide craziness with yet another possible war (which hopefully will not become WWIII... we'll see how China and Russia react) and Australia being on fire, this has been an odd week for me as well. For starters, I finally caved and saw the movie adaptation of Cats on Tuesday. It was a surreal experience for me. Not only was it the first time I went to the cinema by myself (which wasn't nearly as bad as I feared) but the film itself was surreal. It was simultaneously crazier and not as crazy as I thought it would be and I was left utterly bewildered and laughing deliriously through a part of the credits. My full review is here if you want my full thoughts but suffice to say, I both enjoyed and hated this film...

Anyway, on a happier note. I decided to audition for a local production of Shrek: The Musical with my stepdad. At the time of writing this, I have yet to actually audition for it (as it's tonight) but I will let you know how I did.

But perhaps the most exciting thing that happened this week was that I got to go to an interview for BBC Three's mysterious new show (even I don't know much about it). The interview itself was very intense and harrowing as it involved discussing a very very difficult topic that involves murder. I left very shaken by the experience but I hope I did well. As it was in Bristol, I explored it for a bit but I had to travel far and for a long time. It was a long day. Like with Shrek, I don't know the outcome with this and I will let you know in a future blog.

As for my weekly routines, Doctor Who was fun on Sunday but not as good as part 1, Panto rehearsals are going well (even if I need to learn all of my lines), I haven't been called into my place of work for weeks which is worrying but my meetings with my job coach are going smoothly and besides meeting with my best friend and going to rehearsals, I haven't been too social which is worrying.

So yeah, bonkers week! I hope things calm down by next week and the rest of this year is actually a good one. Until the next time, fare thee well good people of the internet!


Meme of the Day:

How I Ended My 2019 (and started my 2020)

(POSSIBLE SPOILERS FOR LITTLE WOMEN INBOUND)

I'm Blue da-ba-de-da-ba-dai!

So as mentioned before, 2019 has been a crazy year for me but fortunately, it stuck the landing. My December has been a pretty great one overall with a solid Christmas. So what did I do to combat the post-Christmas blues? Quite a lot!

Firstly, I went to my Dad's via my older sister's. Some context: my dad has remarried and remained so for nearly 13 years and since then, he and my stepmother had three kids on top of my stepmother's daughter whom he adopted. So as you can imagine, that family plus myself plus my older sister and her boyfriend equal a busy house. My brothers are very energetic and for Christmas, they got indoor snowballs so as you can imagine, it was complete pandemonium! From my dad for Christmas, I got a new Nintendo DS (after my previous one wore out and became unplayable) and lucky for me, I still had a fair few lego games on me!

After returning home to my mum and stepdad (aren't reconstituted families wonderful?), his two children came round and still are at the time of writing. I managed to get Instagram (joelmole42 for those who wish to follow me) but already ran into trouble with it after I followed to many people at once. It now thinks I'm a robot and until such time as I can prove otherwise, I will limit my activities.

For New Year's Eve, we, alongside my Aunt-of-Honour and her daughter, went to see the latest adaptation of Little Women. My full thoughts on the film can be seen here but suffice to say, I loved it! It was progressive in all the best ways and everything felt so natural and real! But I can also say that it changed my outlook for the better. There is a character in it called Laurie who is in love with the protagonist Jo March. However, as she's a strong independent woman, she declines him. Though he was upset for a while, he eventually moved on and ended up marrying Jo's sister Amy (who in this version, has her relationship with Laurie fully developed to the point where it doesn't feel like a rebound).

This stood out to me because, to my shame, I have an unfortunate habit of falling in love with the wrong people whether it's because they've already found someone else, they said no or both. Don't worry, I've had enough sense to keep it to myself (unless they were single but even then I was too cowardly to say anything for the most part) and Laurie's attitude to rejection has finally made me see sense and since then, I've decided to wipe my list clean so to speak and unless I have very good reason to do otherwise, I've decided to only pursue romance with people I will meet and get on with in the future. It's not quite my new year's resolution but more of a life one. There's no point in getting hung up on women I have no chance with. It's definitely the mark of a good film if it changes my life for the better.

After Little Women, we played games (both of which I curiously came second in) and the new year began. On New Year's Day, I went to rehearsals and did something not unheard of but weird for me in the process: I missed Doctor Who. I managed to watch it as soon as I came back and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was a marked improvement over the previous lacklustre season and the twist ending got me excited after a Doctor Who episode for the first time in a long time. It may not be the best opening but it's a promising one! I hope part 2 lives up the hype on Sunday!

After that, I finally decided to take down my Christmas decorations (the ones in my room anyway). I know I'm still within the 12 Days of Christmas but with New Year's Day over and done with, I'm finally free of the Christmas spirit. I also changed my multicoloured lights to a light blue as that's the colour I associate with January.

And that's it! Here's to a great (or anything other than catastrophic) 2020!

Meme of the Day:

2019: A Funny Old Year

So 2019 is very nearly over and I don't know what to make of it. I'd say 2018 was worse because it felt long whereas 2019 was pretty short but 2019 hasn't exactly been a picnic for me either.

It started off great when I won a competition from the Five Who Fans to devise an outline for a Classic Doctor Who Parody and to be fair, the first half was alright. I managed to finish my final year of uni mostly unscathed. It was stressful, yes but I remember it fondly, especially with new friends I made on the way. Easter was lovely too, as always. 

It was only when it was summer when things started to go pear-shaped. After graduating from uni, my plan was to find a job to raise money for a master's degree in scriptwriting. However, things took a sharp turn for the stressful when I was made to realise that such plans are impossible without taking a gap year. So I did exactly that and tears were shed. As you may know, I don't deal with change very well and it was a lot to take in. But once I had a think, I accepted it and to be fair, it came with pros. I was finally able to rejoin my old drama group in my hometown and now I'm rehearsing for a show with them. Then again, I am reconsidering my original plan to do my master's in Bournemouth after an attempt to get a refund that took longer than it should have.

As for my job hunting, it was and still is mostly unsuccessful but I managed to get a part-time job as a kitchen porter in a local pub (which is getting increasingly sparse) and after two years of attempting, I managed to volunteer at a charity shop. I also started writing up the memoirs of a family friend which I have yet to finish. If I had any New Year's resolution, it would definitely be to find a stable source of income and I'm working on that now. Luckily, I've been writing film reviews and my blogs more frequently to build up a portfolio which is always good and I cannot thank you guys enough for the feedback this year.

My annual traditions remained unscathed such as my annual holiday to Way-Hey-Mouth and my holiday timetable which is a relief and I managed to add some more traditions such as watching summer/beach episodes of my favourite shows in the week leading up to the holiday. And my social life has been mostly stable (save for the summer) with uni friends in the first half and my drama group in the second half which is always handy. Sadly, my mental health has been fluctuating from stress and loneliness to peace which is worrying. It doesn't help that after leaving Chroma Church upon leaving Leicester, I have struggled to find a replacement, especially after I started working on Sundays. And my love life has once again been non-existent but at least I finally realised that Tinder is not good for me and I've taken a more social approach to things. 

As for my thoughts on what the rest of the world is up to, I never thought I'd be more ashamed of my country than I was for Brexit but boy have I been proven wrong as the General Election earlier this month completely derailed it. It was the most I've been engaged in politics and as of now, I'm going back to being apolitical because the whole system is broken!

I was, however, pleased to see that my best friends are doing well with two of them getting engaged this year. I am glad that, despite my 2019 being half rubbish, at least my friends had a good year.

So, looking forward, I have no idea what's in store for me in 2020. I doubt it will be easy as my grandma's cancer has returned, I have no clear plan for the future and my country's falling to pieces but who knows? I thought 2019 would be my year and it wasn't so I don't know if 2020 will be the same. I do have resolutions that I intend to keep. Here they are:

1. Get a stable job
2. Progress my career as a film critic
3. Improve my social life, ideally by hanging out with people my own age for a change
4. Find someone who makes me happy (and is single) and gain the confidence I need to ask her out

Anyway, have a happy new year everyone! May your 2020 be prosperous and not the least bit stressful. Until the next time, fare thee well good people of the internet!

Meme of the Day:

CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS! (21/12/2019-27/12/2019)

No, I'm not covering up my large forehead... what are you on about?!

Okay... sorry for the lack of blogs lately! I've been so busy with Christmas lately that I only just now had the time to write one.

And boy has it been busy?! I might do a breakdown of all the stuff I've done over the holiday season! 

Christmas Build-Up/Star Wars (21-23rd December)

Most of it has been focussed on Star Wars. After finally booking the tickets for Monday 23rd December, I watched The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi over the weekend in preparation. They both held up though weirdly, The Force Awakens got worse yet The Last Jedi got better with the rewatch.

Onto the main event, I was excited but cautiously so for The Rise of Skywalker and I managed to watch it in an indie theatre. I went with my stepdad, as was tradition, and he definitely enjoyed it more than I did. My full review is here but suffices to say, the terribly rushed pacing killed it for me despite at least being somewhat entertained. I was cross at it for a while but then I was reminded that Star Wars is like sex and pizza, no matter how bad it is, it's fundamentally enjoyable. 

Christmas Eve (24th December)

We do Christmas Eve differently in our family. As it's on the same date as my stepdad's birthday, we celebrate that instead so he doesn't feel overshadowed. As such it was a good birthday and I managed to help out in any way I can. We had a buffet and my extended family (including my grandparents, one of my uncles and my aunt-of-honour who is no way related or married to any of our family but as my mum's best friend, she is basically that) came round. It was an overall nice time but I need to remind myself never to discuss trans rights again as that always creates a toxic environment, no matter who it's with and if they agree with you. It's a sad state but it's what it is. 

Fortunately, I was able to do some Christmas stuff including watching my two favourite Christmas Specials: Doctor Who: 'A Christmas Carol' and The Muppet Christmas Carol. Both give me the Christmas feels and prepare me for Christmas despite taking vastly different approaches to the story. I was also pleased to see that I finished The Muppet Christmas Carol on midnight, right when it was Christmas Day! Speaking of which...

Christmas Day (25th December)

Christmas Day ran very smoothly but there are many of you who don't know my annual traditions. We start off with seeing what 'Santa' gave us. Despite the fact that all of us know that Santa wasn't real, we still do it because it's fun and it's nice to believe in him regardless. I got a LOT of food myself plus some things to help me out with my stress including stress balls (with faces!) and a book on mindfulness that encourages me to be like Yoda. I also got a VHS copy of the original Cats stage musical... as well as a 4K/Blu-Ray copy of Alita: Battle Angel from my uncle... people know that I have neither of those right? 

Soon after that, my sister went to church so we waited for her so we can do presents. I know I should have gone myself as a Christian but none of the churches in my home town are any good. Note to self: find a good church. When she got back, we did presents. I got exactly what I needed with updates to my favourite superhero franchises, a copy of Doctor Who: 'The Tenth Planet' and a Star Wars long-sleeved top that not only has my favourite Star Wars movie on it, The Empire Strikes Back but is now my new official winter pyjama top! Everyone was also pleased with what I got them which is good! 

Soon, we went to my grandparents for Christmas Dinner (where the conversation was much nicer and less... political... and my older sister dropped some cauliflower cheesy in my drink. She's basically like Miranda Hart) and we did, even more, presents afterwards. I got new shoes (which feel like I'm walking on cushions), Doctor Who collectables and DVDs. A good haul this year. 

We later played some games such as charades and 'Neighbours'. Charades is a game that I'm sort of good at. I always pick difficult films (etc.) and perform them in odd ways that means they take forever to guess what I'm trying to do. Still, that's part of the fun! 

Finally, we went home and in lieu of a Doctor Who Christmas special (since Chris Chibnall is refusing to write any), we instead get one for Gavin & Stacey. I personally love the show for its charming characters, positive tone and relatable stories and this is no different. Despite being off-air for 11 years, it's like they never left and the writing is a strong as ever (though that cliffhanger certainly left me wanting more... and singing 'Fairytale of New York' uncensored wasn't a wise move considering that f****t is the LGBT equivalent of the N-word but I'll let it slide as it didn't feel malicious). 

Boxing Day and Beyond (26/12/2019-27/12/2019)

Boxing Day was a very lollopy day since we're all tired from Christmas. I broke into my new shoes and they worked a treat and I managed to watch X-Men: Dark Phoenix, an okay if crushingly underwhelming film. 

The biggest news that day was not very nice at all. It turns out some smeghead stole my older sister's Christmas presents from her car. We're doing what we can to a) replace it, b) find the items and c) make her feel better. I feel like my job is the latter since I feel that's all I really can do at the moment.

Which brings me to today. I had to get presents for my brothers and my older sister and I split for my Dad's side of the family for financial reasons (though this is the last time we're doing it as we're both adults). I managed to get t-shirts for the three of them and finally finish my Star Wars reviews by reviewing The Rise of Skywalker today. 

And that's really it. It's been a hectic week with many ups and downs so it's time to face the rest of 2019. With that in mind, the next blog will be a year-end retrospective. A rewind if you will! Until then, fare thee well good people of the internet!

Meme of the Day:

Star Wars Reviews, Road Trips and Battles with the Odeon Website (20/12/2019)

Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar Waaaaaaaaaaaaars! Nothing but Staaaaaaaaaaaaar Waaaaaaaaaaars!

Today has been pretty quiet but also productive. From the 1st December onwards, I have been reviewing a lot of things Star Wars in preparation for The Rise of Skywalker (which I am seeing on Monday but more on that). For the first 12 days, I looked at fan films and for the rest of the Christmas period, I have been reviewing every Star Wars movie on my Perfectly Honest Film Review page but because I suddenly have an active social life, I have been lagging behind. Well today, I had time on my hands so I was finally able to review the original trilogy of films (as I have been reviewing these in chronological order). They are all online now and ready to view. Don't worry, they're all positive!

Anyway, after that, I went on my usual walk. I tend to walk around my home town for fresh air and excercise and I have to say, it's much nicer in any other time of year than winter! I'd say spring all through summer is the best time. Why? It takes me around 75 minutes to perform my walk. It's that long. Anyway, during my walk, I was sent to deliver Christmas cards to family and neighbours, including my grandparents where it was finally confirmed that we would be spending Christmas there (it was up in the air before for personal reasons). It was certainly good news.

Afterwards, I went with my stepdad to pick up his kids. Along the way, we basically discussed Star Wars and films I have yet to see (including the Spaghetti Westerns, the Matrix sequels and the Die Hard sequels). Soon we had McDonald's after picking them up (which I'm not a fan of due to the small portions but I tolerate it because it's not awful) and we journeyed home. I also learned that I possibly talk in my sleep though I suspect they were teasing me.

Afterwards, my stepdad and I tried booking tickets for The Rise of Skywalker on the Odeon website (as I had a Limitless). However, the website was impossible to navigate as my Limitless wasn't registered to either of our accounts. After battling the website (which included setting up a new account), I conceded defeat. It was too broken for me to handle. Thankfully, I saw that an independent cinema was showing the film for a much cheaper price so we're going there instead.

Aside from that, I've been watching some Christmas songs by the acapella group Pentatonix (who are incredibly talented but their fashion sense keeps getting worse and worse with each passing year) and spoiler-free reviews of The Rise of Skywalker, all of which made me very nervous for the film's outcome. I do like the other sequels but if this is as messy as they say, I fear that they may not stick the landing

Anyway, that'll be all for now. Please share this around as all of this is to raise awareness for autism and I noticed that yesterday's post didn't do so well. Until then, fare thee well good people of the internet!

Meme of the Day:

Besties, Sweet and Sour Chicken and Avoiding Spoilers (19/12/2019)

I mean who doesn't?

Dear me have I been busy with my social life! Today I met with my best friend who I shall refer to as Sarah Jane Smith for anonymity's sake. And I did chose that name wisely because in Doctor Who, The Doctor and Sarah Jane weren't lovers but they were somehow such great friends, they transcended that. Plus she's happily engaged and I'd be a lunatic to mess that up.

Anywho, after a nice chat in Costas (well a chat with some awkward silences because we both have Autism/Asperger's), we decided to exchange gifts. I already had mine prepared by Sarah Jane left hers at home so we had to go there. It doesn't sound too bad if anything it was nice, but seeing as it's Britain, we had to battle the wind and the rain with our umbrellas. I am shocked I didn't go Mary Poppins that day.

After the presents were exchanged (which I am not planning to open until Christmas Day), I went home and undertook a special project: I was to cook Sweet and Sour Chicken for the first time. Me cooking by myself is nothing new as I survived a whole year at uni self-catered but this was a new challenge. After being told what to do, I took it on single-handedly (with the exception of making my rather disgruntled teenaged sister set the table) and I managed to do it. It was kind of stressful but I felt alive and in control of the kitchen. I was basically Gordon Ramsey without the swearing. The dinner was nice (if I say so myself) and so far, I'm not poisoned which is nice.

As for internet stuff, I have been very careful to avoid spoilers for Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (which I am very nervous about judging by the critical reception) and with the exception of who Rey is, I have been successful (no, I won't say. I'm not a donkey). I was also pleased to see that Donald Trump got impeached by the Senate but I was dismayed to see that, like Emperor Palpatine, he is basically the Senate so he's likely to get back into office. Yay democracy! I was even more dismayed that one of my heroes, J.K. Rowling has revealed herself to be a TERF (trans-exclusionary radical feminist for those of you who don't speak internet) as she sided with a transphobic journalist after the latter got fired for her toxic and false views. Suffice to say, my views on Harry Potter have somewhat soured. I still like the books but I no longer like the author who wrote them.

Speaking of Harry Potter, I neglected to mention that my Secret Santa gift was a Harry Potter pack of Trivial Pursuit cards and I cannot wait to challenge other Potterheads I know. No, I don't know who my Secret Santa is. As for my Star Wars reviews, I'm lagging behind. I managed to publish my review of Rogue One and I started my review of A New Hope but by that point, I was exhausted. I do have a free day tomorrow so I can basically review the Original Trilogy.

That's all for now. Fare thee well good people of the internet!

Meme of the Day: