Dealing with Pantos and Anxiety

Yay! I got to be a baddie!!!

So this was a bizarre couple of weeks. My stepdad is finally home and even though he has a Lego hand, he's on the road to recovery which is some good news. We're not quite out of the woods yet because Lego hand but it's an improvement!

Now onto the main event: over the past two weeks, I got to perform in MMAD's production of Camelot - The Panto. For the first time in 2020, I was really happy. Not only did I have tons of fun doing this but I was also having fun with MMAD themselves when they went out partying. I am so glad to have done this. Not only did I reconnect with my old friends but I made new friends with the newer members. I can't wait to do Joseph and His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat with them! But first I must do Shrek and my first rehearsal in a while is tonight. 

Unfortunately during that time, I was ill for three days with a bug and I ended up with panic attacks. This led me to realise that I do indeed have anxiety. For those who don't know, anxiety is a crippling sensation where certain events causes someone to panic, stress out and shut down. For me, I was worried about my job searching, my past mistakes in the dating scene (which I have since made peace with) and struggling to get to know new people in the drama group producing Shrek. It got so bad that I lost sleep over it. But I soon realised it was deeper than that and I recognised that all of my latest worries in my work, social and even love life boiled down to one sentiment: I didn't think I was good enough for anyone else.

Because I recognised this, I informed my parents as soon as possible. It turns out I did the right thing in both recognising what was wrong with me and telling people about it and the fact that I'm trying to grow as a person is indicative of the possibility that maybe I am good enough. But it wasn't until mum reminded me of my own backstory that I realised how much I really accomplished. 

Because I was diagnosed really young with both autism and hypotonia (weak muscle tone), doctors thought I would be unable to walk and talk and I would be forever trapped in my own head. Since then, I managed to walk and talk and I ended up being pretty good at both, I got so far in my education I graduated from uni, I made a ton of friends, I'm still job searching and like I said, I even performed a principal role in a pantomime. Obviously, I didn't achieve all of this on my own since my family and friends helped a ton in teaching me morality, empathy, banter and other social skills but  I'm still a miracle. So as long as I tell myself that, I should be able to beat this thing. And for those of you out there who are struggling to raise an autistic child, keep going because there's always a chance they'll turn out brilliant. 

Anyway, I better stop bragging. I doubt my days of stress and anxiety are over but I'll keep going nonetheless since tomorrow is another day. In other news, I am continually enjoying Doctor Who and am currently waiting impatiently for the season finale, my film reviews are still lagging behind but I'm seeing Birds of Prey with a new friend this Saturday so that should be nice, I actually endured Valentine's Day without much annoyance this year (turns out I didn't need a girlfriend, I needed cookies, Scott Pilgrim, Jacksfilms, Panto and Valentines TV specials) and I have a dentist appointment tomorrow which should be fun...

I'll keep you updated with how I'll cope with everything but until then, fare thee well good people of the internet!

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