Helping Out, 1917 and Re-evaluating my Life

I want to go home and rethink my life

So this week for me hasn't been as busy as last week (hence the lack of content) but emotionally, this has been a funny one. Basically, I'm a recent graduate and like all recent graduates, my life has never been more certain. I'm still unable to get a stable job and even the job I'm currently in hasn't called me in for weeks. My job coach, bless her, has been ever so helpful but it hasn't been easy. My social life has taken a bit of a nosedive. Besides my drama club, I haven't really had much luck with my social life and my love life is even worse (more on that later). I also had no idea what to do with my life. I knew I wanted to work in film or television and in writing but the only things I genuinely enjoyed writing were my reviews and these.

It was on Thursday when one of my best friends said they were performing stand-up yet again when I realised that I hated where I was and that I needed to get something done. So I finally decided to buckle up and do something. That night, I downloaded Windows Movie Maker (the editing software) and ordered a cheap recording microphone off Amazon. Basically, I've decided to see if I can start a YouTube channel. Quite what I want it to be about is anyone's guess at the moment but I am giving it a think. I know I want it to be comedic and I know I want it to be Doctor Who related.

After that epiphany, I went to see 1917, in keeping with my vow to watch a new movie every week. My full review is here but suffice it say, it was very harrowing and intense and whilst I thought it was very good, I never want to see it again. On the same day, I set up a Doctor Who review page called Hermit's United, on which I reviewed the series 12 premiere 'Spyfall' which is a long time coming. It was difficult navigating through a new format but I managed to complete it.

I've also been helping out with backstage work with two different theatre groups. Not only did I attempt to help out with scene-building at my drama club (of which I ended up doing very little because I'm not the best at DIY) but I'm also helping out at my mum's theatre group with my stepdad in terms of set painting and lighting. It was exciting to learn about the latter, even if our supervisor did overexplain it.

But perhaps the biggest re-evaluation was with my love life. I got OKCupid which, in theory, was a really good dating app. It gives you matches based on compatability as well as age and distance and I think Tinder could stand to learn from them in that department. It was also free which was handy. The trouble is, nobody was on it and once again, I felt icky. This happened a lot whenever I got a dating app as I felt like it was hurting my self-esteem since nobody matched with me. But it was when I was watching Sex Education season 2 when it finally hit me: not only am I awful at the dating scene but it was causing some serious emotional harm to me.

The reason this was is because when I watched how open the show was about sex, I was actually kind of disgusted. It was then I realised that I am very prudish. I do feel sexual desire and I was often frustrated about it but I hated feeling it and whenever I met someone new that I liked, I never felt happy and I sometimes felt embarrassed, especially when it transpires that they're already taken. After a while, I felt like a creep and for what? To experience something I'm way too shy and innocent to enjoy? And the worst part is, I highly doubt I was the only person I hurt. I've had women ghost or worse block me without explanation and I'm worried that my attitude or behaviour put them off. To those women, I am so sorry. I really am. It's hard to convey it through text but I never meant to hurt you.

The only women I met and I was actually happy with are either taken, kindly rejected me or both. Don't get me wrong, they're fair reasons and I'm still close friends with them (happily I might add) but it made me realise that I never found the right person and it was unlikely I wouldn't meet them for a while. But also, I'm not ready for one. I'm unemployed, I still live with my family, my social life is scarce, I don't know what to do with my life, I have poor social skills and I have low self-esteem, ironically because of this. I do hope I am a good man and I at least try to be but this is not healthy and it needs to stop.

I suppose what I'm getting at is that effective immediately, I am staying single indefinitely. Chasing a relationship is not healthy for me and if Sex Education is anything to go by, I'm not missing much. I'm sure this will change when I meet someone I truly love and who loves me back and luckily, I'm emotionally mature enough to tell the difference between love and lust but it's time to improve my self-image, my confidence and my etiquette around women (which I'm sure is better than some groups of men but still needs improvement).

So I'm aware that it got way too real but it's for the best. I genuinely want to be happy with my life again and I know there are plenty of other ways of achieving it. I'm thinking about trying out a church tomorrow which will get me back on track (don't worry, I never lost my faith, I just need guidance) and on Monday, I'm joining a walking group since walking calms me down. I want to improve my social life as well as my working life and a nice balance between the two can help me greatly. Maybe one day I can convince myself I'm someone worth being with.

Still, next week should be good. I'm auditioning for secondary roles in Shrek: The Musical (after failing to get the role of Donkey) and though I didn't get into the BBC TV thing, I will continue to apply for jobs there at every opportunity possible.

Until the next time, fare thee well good people of the internet.

Meme of the day: