Dealing with Pantos and Anxiety

Yay! I got to be a baddie!!!

So this was a bizarre couple of weeks. My stepdad is finally home and even though he has a Lego hand, he's on the road to recovery which is some good news. We're not quite out of the woods yet because Lego hand but it's an improvement!

Now onto the main event: over the past two weeks, I got to perform in MMAD's production of Camelot - The Panto. For the first time in 2020, I was really happy. Not only did I have tons of fun doing this but I was also having fun with MMAD themselves when they went out partying. I am so glad to have done this. Not only did I reconnect with my old friends but I made new friends with the newer members. I can't wait to do Joseph and His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat with them! But first I must do Shrek and my first rehearsal in a while is tonight. 

Unfortunately during that time, I was ill for three days with a bug and I ended up with panic attacks. This led me to realise that I do indeed have anxiety. For those who don't know, anxiety is a crippling sensation where certain events causes someone to panic, stress out and shut down. For me, I was worried about my job searching, my past mistakes in the dating scene (which I have since made peace with) and struggling to get to know new people in the drama group producing Shrek. It got so bad that I lost sleep over it. But I soon realised it was deeper than that and I recognised that all of my latest worries in my work, social and even love life boiled down to one sentiment: I didn't think I was good enough for anyone else.

Because I recognised this, I informed my parents as soon as possible. It turns out I did the right thing in both recognising what was wrong with me and telling people about it and the fact that I'm trying to grow as a person is indicative of the possibility that maybe I am good enough. But it wasn't until mum reminded me of my own backstory that I realised how much I really accomplished. 

Because I was diagnosed really young with both autism and hypotonia (weak muscle tone), doctors thought I would be unable to walk and talk and I would be forever trapped in my own head. Since then, I managed to walk and talk and I ended up being pretty good at both, I got so far in my education I graduated from uni, I made a ton of friends, I'm still job searching and like I said, I even performed a principal role in a pantomime. Obviously, I didn't achieve all of this on my own since my family and friends helped a ton in teaching me morality, empathy, banter and other social skills but  I'm still a miracle. So as long as I tell myself that, I should be able to beat this thing. And for those of you out there who are struggling to raise an autistic child, keep going because there's always a chance they'll turn out brilliant. 

Anyway, I better stop bragging. I doubt my days of stress and anxiety are over but I'll keep going nonetheless since tomorrow is another day. In other news, I am continually enjoying Doctor Who and am currently waiting impatiently for the season finale, my film reviews are still lagging behind but I'm seeing Birds of Prey with a new friend this Saturday so that should be nice, I actually endured Valentine's Day without much annoyance this year (turns out I didn't need a girlfriend, I needed cookies, Scott Pilgrim, Jacksfilms, Panto and Valentines TV specials) and I have a dentist appointment tomorrow which should be fun...

I'll keep you updated with how I'll cope with everything but until then, fare thee well good people of the internet!

Meme of the Day: 

My (Stressful) Time as Man of the House

You and me both buddy...

Woah boy... I didn't realise the gap between blog posts was this big. I do apologise but in my defence, I've been very busy. For starters, this Friday is my first night of panto and I have to say, it's going well and I finally know all my lines/cues! Huzzah! And because it's on Friday, I'm actually doing something on Valentine's Day this year. For those who don't know me, I'm not a fan of the holiday... mostly because I've never had a date for Valentine's Day but I seem to be in the majority as even couples I know think its pointless. I swear it's only appealing to married couples. My birthday and Easter Sunday can't get here soon enough...

As for Shrek, I've had a read through but since I only had three lines, it was slow for me. Hopefully, the true potential of Thelonius will be revealed in rehearsals. And as for my cinema trips, I actually didn't see anything last week because there's nothing on. Fortunately, Birds of Prey is out this week so I'm giving that a go.

But honestly, that's not the only reason I've been busy which leads me to the main point of the article. A few weeks back, my stepdad was scratched by one of our dogs. It got infected and now he has sepsis. He only just got out of the hospital but he's not out of the woods since he needs a skin graft. During his time in the hospital, I basically took on the role of man of the house, keeping the house in order, looking after the dogs and cooking most nights. I like to believe I did a good job but I'm not going to lie, it took a toll on my mental health.

Not only was I worried about my stepdad but I had so much to do because I was looking after the house on top of job hunting (which is still going badly despite a possible lead at a local cinema), chasing up on universal credit, panto and Shrek rehearsals and volunteering at the charity shop. After a while, I just couldn't stand the confusion in my mind. Towards the end, I've been trying to keep myself sane through our Lord God but I haven't been too mindful until today, where my stepdad finally came home.

I would like to thank everyone who helped my family during this time by sending us food and emotional support. I'm sure my mum and sister is more than grateful as well.

As for where I'm going next, I'm focusing on panto since it's very close to happening and I'm certain that nerves will set in but I'm also certain that I will have fun! I've also got Shrek to look forward to though I need to start making friends in that group since I'm too much of a wallflower to properly get on that.

Because of panto, it may take a while for me to post another one of these so please bear with me. Until then, fare thee well good people of the internet!

Meme of the Day: