It's no secret that 2020 was an absolute dumpster fire of a year. Racial tensions came back to boiling point after the senseless murders of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor from the very people who were supposed to protect them (#blacklivesstillmatter), we nearly had WWIII, Brexit has now been put into place which I'm sure won't screw us over whatsoever (sarcasm), celebrities I once admired such as J.K. Rowling and Sia proved themselves to hate trans people and autistic people respectively, we lost a fair few celebrities including Black Panther himself, Chadwick Boseman and of course, there's this little thing called COVID-19 that brought the world to a halt and proved more than ever just how incompetent leaders Donald Trump and Boris Johnson were. At least Trump's finally on his way out... (DON'T SCREW THIS UP JOE BIDEN!).
Unfortunately, on a personal level, things weren't that much better. I had to deal with grief for the first time as I lost my maternal grandmother to leukaemia and my cat to old age, both of whom I miss dearly. My stepfather had sepsis in the arm which disrupted our lives even before lockdown, lockdown itself prevented me from seeing my friends, my theatre group and my job (outside of March and December) and because of the above factors, I was on able to go on holiday. In addition to this, I learned just how bad I really was with women, especially when the topic of sex gets involved which not only made me doubt if I deserve a relationship but even if I was a good person until recently. As a result, my mental health took a gigantic nosedive as I got overwhelmed with stress, anxiety, depression, self-loathing and even PTSD after a traumatising period with a former stepfather.
Like with all years though, it wasn't all bad. Before lockdown, I was able to do a show with my drama group which I haven't done in four years and it was so much fun to do again; I made new friends, one of whom I have an eerie amount of things in common with; our kitchen has been redone and looks better than ever, I surprisingly had a good Halloween despite me being the only person in my household to celebrate it (which proved to be advantageous as I could celebrate it quietly in peace) and I managed to watch a lot of new shows, many of which are among my favourites such as Community, The Good Place, Cobra Kai and The Mandalorian. Even Doctor Who had a solid year with a decent season to set things off and the fantastic Emily Cook organising those lockdown tweetalongs, short stories and short films and yes, I and many fans are grateful for her.
And I guess at the end of the day, I finally got to man up, and it's not just because I grew a beard. This year encouraged me to step up and be more responsible. I learned new DIY stuffs when helping build a new summer home and tearing down our old kitchen, I learned to cook full meals which have gone down very well and at last, I managed to get a job and thus, my own income. Whether or not that job will last under the circumstances remains to be seen but still, I see that as an absolute win.
So where am I going next? Well it's difficult to say as I have no idea what the next day will bring since the government can't make up their minds on how locked down we are but what I need to do is to sort my mental health out. I need to assure myself that I am safe in my own home and to own up when things get too much. I also hope that I have enough self-awareness not to freak out the next woman I fancy so I can earn the right to be with her. And above all, I need to maintain contact with my friends. I honestly don't know what I would do without them, especially as everyone's mental health is getting really bad.
Here's hoping 2021 is at least a little better. Until then, fare thee well good people of the internet!
